The Band – Moondog Matinee

Moondog Matinee (1973)

D+

1. Ain’t Got No Home 2. Holy Cow 3. Share Your Love (With Me) 4. Mystery Train 5. Third Man Theme 6. The Promised Land 7. The Great Pretender 8. I’m Ready 9. Saved 10. A Change Is Gonna Come

 

HOW TO COMPLETELY FUCK UP AN R&B COVERS ALBUM MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

BY ROBBIE ROBERTSON (and friends)

Step 1: Take tons of drugs and have petty arguments with each other so that by the time you hit the studio to make a new record the last thing you want to do is actually play music together.

Step 2: Bill the album as a return to your roots as the hottest club act in early-mid 60s Toronto, the Hawks, and then only record one song you actually played during those days. Instead, choose some songs from that era you like and then completely massacre them by playing them like a bunch of clueless, bloated, bearded assholes with a bunch of outrageously inappropriate Garth Hudson noodling, laughably stupid wah-wah guitar noises and other generally terrible guitar playing (you’re welcome, America!) and a complete lack of energy.

Still 3: On the songs you don’t ruin with disrespectful 70s dinosaur tropes, play them in a manner so rote, stiff, and lacking in verve that they’re indistinguishable from a band of untalented, pasty white 60-year old real estate agents with beer guts rendering them down at Billy Bob’s beer joint on a Tuesday night.

Step 4: Make sure to express “emotion” and “pathos” only through the use of string pads.

Step 5: Cover “A Change Is Gonna Come,” one of the most beautiful and inspiring songs in the classic soul canon, and make it sound like a drunken, out of tune 3 AM karaoke performance at the worst shithole bar imaginable.

Step 6: Start off the album with its only remotely authentic-sounding and fun song, and then ruin it by putting a ridiculous vocoder effect on the vocals.

Step 7: Inexplicably place a version of the clowny instrumental theme from the movie The Third Man at the end of side one. It’s very important that you not explain your reasoning behind this decision, because it’s only there to fuck with people.

Step 8: Have Richard Manuel sing a gospel song near the end. It’ll be hysterical, trust us.

Step 9: Release your unholy concoction to the record buying public. Sucker them into purchasing it. Count their money. Laugh maniacally.



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