Corporate marriage

Mitt Romney supports the idea of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, thus making it clear that he does not believe gay people are, um, actual people. Or even 3/5 of actual people! Which is weird because he also believes that “corporations are people, too.” Well, if corporations are people, then it has become undeniable that there is a horrible, widespread injustice happening today in America. How is it that in 2011, after all the great civil rights advances of the last half-century, people are still not allowed to marry corporations?

I mean, it’s not for me, but I’m a open-minded, tolerant progressive, and I have no choice but to admit that there are people out there like Mitt Romney who clearly love corporations. So who are we to deny them the right to express their love and marry the “people” they want to? The fact that corporate marriage is still not legal in this country is a moral disgrace, and I will not stand for it.

Someday, we’ll all be pretty much forced to marry corporations anyway, since it’s probably the only way we’ll ever be able to sniff even a cent of their obscene untaxed profits. But I propose we turn the present into the future! Take to the streets and march and demand that the government legalize corporate marriage TODAY! That way Mitt can finally get hitched to the corporation he truly loves. For some reason I think he and Supercuts would be a good fit.