Ryan Adams – Orion

Orion (2010)

D+

1. Signal Fade 2. Imminent Galactic War 3. Disappearymid 4. Fire Away 5. Defenders Of The Galaxy 6. Fire And Ice 7. By Force 8. Ghorgon, Master Of War 9. Ariel 10. Electro Snake 11. Victims Of The Ice Brigade 12. 2000 Ships 13. End Of Days

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I hear you have been anointed by the fine folks over at Disney (or should I say, The Empire? Haha, jk!) to begin to further the impeccable legacy of Star Wars, which I, of course, singlehandedly conceived from the pathways of my own mind. Thus, although I no longer have control over the upcoming films (similar to how poor Chancellor Valorum was removed from power in favor of that big meanie Palpatine… still jk!), I thought I might provide some guidance on potential writers for Episodes VIII and IX (seeing how Disney has already hired one of its own hacks – erm, I mean, scribes, to write Episode VII). After all, since I penned the script for the classic Episode II: Attack Of The Clones all by myself, I’d say I am clearly more qualified than anyone else in Hollywood to judge screenwriting talent.

As such, I’d like to call your attention a gifted young sci-fi screenwriter named David R. Adams, whose script Orion has recently come across my desk. At first I was confused by it, since it didn’t look like a stack of paper and instead was shaped like a large square, just like the old Carly Simon vinyl records I used to listen to in the 70s. All I know is that I gave it to my assistant to figure out and soon enough I was immersed in a galactic odyssey the likes of which I’d never heard! (Except for Star Wars, of course, but that goes without saying). The story, in which a peaceful planet is forced to do battle with the evil Ghorgon, Master Of War, was riveting, and the dialogue was penetratingly brilliant. I laughed, I cried, I wet myself! I couldn’t help but imagine the millions upon millions of dollars worth of CGI I could use to create the armada of 2000 ships depicted in the story. And, strangely enough, I could hear exactly what the movie would sound like! And it sounded LOUD!

I recommend the prodigious Mr. Adams be hired to write the new Star Wars films. I’m enclosing a copy of Orion for your perusal. I’m sure it will blow you away as completely as it did me.

Sincerely,

George

P.S. Have you ever seen $4.2 billion in one place at one time? I have.

P.P.S. Greedo shot first.

Dear George,

I received your letter and the “script” contained therein. I’m sorry to inform you that it turns out it is not a script at all, but rather a musical album by a singer-songwriter from North Carolina named Ryan Adams. Recorded in 2006, it became a vinyl-only archival release in 2010. What you were actually hearing was a heavy metal concept album, not a screenplay (though I’m sure if its made-up-in-five-seconds plot were adapted into a movie, it probably wouldn’t be any worse than Attack Of The Clones). I don’t know if you’re at all familiar with metal, George, but I can assure you that Ryan Adams is not usually a metal artist. Thus, his admittedly tongue-in-cheek, tossed off attempt at making a sci-fi metal album is reliant on the sorts of tuneless, shrieking lead vocals, “scary” pitch-shifted backing vocals, “dramatic” synths, and generic, ugly thrash riffs that could be easily used to parody the genre. And it might have been an effective parody had it ended up containing any funny lyrics or remotely catchy or memorable musical passages (though I’ll admit the chorus of the mid-tempo “By Force” and the stuttering verse hooks of “Disappearymid” are alright). Although again, I realize Orion was not intended to be a serious effort and more of a fun vanity project for Mr. Adams, it makes for an extremely unpleasant listen. Pretty much the only positive things I can say about it are that Ryan impressively plays all the guitar parts himself, and that it’s over in only 28 minutes.

In summation, I will not be hiring Mr. Adams to write any future Star Wars films. I also humbly request that you not contact me any more. I have been entrusted with resurrecting the smoldering remains of the once-proud legacy of Star Wars, which you so ham-fistedly and tastelessly destroyed with your shitty prequels and special editions. If I am to successfully complete this task, I think it is best that I no longer interact with you on any level, lest your stink rub off on me.

Yours,

J.J. Abrams

P.S. Han shot first.